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We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

FAT CLICKETY BASTARD E​.​P.

by O.P.E.N.

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1.
You don't want to bump into me in the night Because I'll give you a fright then have a one-way knife fight. I'm a monster of a man; No ethics in my business plan. I keep a gun in my hand and I'll use it when I choose to. No remorse, I'll take your body, turn it into sauce For the first course in the restaurant I bought. I got about a hundred killers doing what I please. Whether robberies or breaking of the knees, Sieze money from Barclays, illegal DVDs, Gun running to Sunderland, demanding protection fees... They tried to put me away for life but I told the boys to set the judge and jury alight - Got away scot free And when the police question me My alibi's in fact intact, Because my name is I'm a gangster. I'll eat your hamster. You don't wanna fuck with me. I'm scarier than leprosy. Hardest man you'll ever see. Give you a bullet for free? Police in my pocket, I own a nuclear rocket. I'm dead fat and I'm a gangster. In my week I make a few Gs, erase a few memories, Come up with a fiendish plan to foil my enemies. I fuck about ten sluts in a line then return to my model wife - It pays to have a life in crime. On Monday I plan ahead and lay instructions down. On Tuesday comes a package, containing the head of construction's arm. Head to the site to take over on Wednesday. But Thursday is my own... I like to mince around town in my sexual slippers, Swinging my hips to show the boys my frilly knickers. No ifs, buts or maybes - I still love the ladies. ("Might be a tranny but I still love the fanny") I mince around town in my sexual slippers, Swap my GAT for a feathery hat and nail clippers. I put on a wig and the dress is my Grandma's, Do the make-up myself and buy my own bras... Friday! Back to being a killer in a horrendous way. The fellas, they all know but choose to let it go; They know what would happen if they poo-pooed my throne - I'd throw them in the lake; legs and arms I'd break. They would not live long to regret their mistake. They think I'm a weirdo but they keep their mouths shut. None of them want a double-barrel to the gut Or to get cut up, strung up, fed to the fishes - My shoal of mutant cod are particularly vicious. I'd give them three wishes like a genie does But it's meaningless; I give them false hope. Because my name is...
2.
Gettin to the party, I'm feeling kinda naughty. The bass is gettin mardy As if its never so sorry. Woke up after Noel But my eyes could find the smell... Ringing on the doorbell. The door opens; it's you. Hell! Satan's Hell Bonanza - The hanging of a Santa! The highlight of the calendar! Drinkin with the Highlander! Biggie, Pac and Cobain are dishing out the cocaine; Dillinger and Bonham are rippin rhythms again. Come and have a drink if you like... Promise only some of us bite. Careful you do not get a fright. Satan's Hell Bonanza Tonight!
3.
Desmond Jene 05:22
This is a tale of a trip into the Dene; New Year's gathering so O.P.E.N.ly obscene. Planning a night of debaucherous mischief, The glorious tale of which beggars belief. Setting off on our way winding through the park; Wind is rushing past us walking in the dark. Less than an hour until it's time to start Rocking like a bunch of retards. Arrive at the quarry, no time for the mill... Light up a fire so we can all chill, Open a tinnie and try not to spill. Woody's a-watching from his rocky sill. Licking a stamp with no letter to stick it on; Picking a log with a fire to burn it on; Tripping a bit with a beer to help it on; Light up a fattie, a smoke and then pass it on... Party's kicking off and everybody's getting higher Playin pints and droppin sticks to prove I'm not a liar Knockin back a bottle of beer and dancing like a lunatic Out here at the turn of a brand new year Nay Auld aquaintance was forgot and replaced with a teal and an Oh Yeah! shot We were off our fucking tits and we didnt even care That our balls were frozen of and we had mud in our hair! We dropped again about an hour along And yes, that's right, Mr Wood had his bong; We all had a toke and it all went awry Gib spilled his beer and nearly started to cry! We spoke to Triple C and he said how are you? We said we were funky-D but we hadn't a clue. We sat around the fire and marvelled at a dance in a trance and then wandered off to play in the plants... New Year in the dene and somewhere between Reality and where we all should have been If you could have seen OPEN or Queen On this fair night you'd have picked OPEN We went on a hunt for a little adventure Through the undergrowth where we were not meant to. Ventured to visit the little wee dark hut Worried we'd find a big tramp with a stick But the pathway was clear so we stopped for a breather. Headed back via the tunnel; a reefer... The chill in the air made the smoke go in deeper - Walking like Hunter S Thompson on ether. Back to the quarry to chill by the fire, Feeeling like Frodo and chums in the Shire, Floating back twenty feet just to enquire why we'd not brought a guitar amplifier Wood trundled off for a while to admire, Slipped broke his face but he failed to expire Attempting to run up a slippery bank. What the fuck was he thinking about? Crazy motherfucker that he is, But it doesnt really matter cos he is what he is And we are what we are and we're having a gravy time. Pity everything we were doing was a crime! Dancing in and out of the pleasant greenery, Climbing up trees and gazing at the scenery, Looking at the sky for hours on end, Talking to a flower like my best friend. For me many of the hours are blurred and I am positive the ruckus we created could be heard. Our body temperature was rapidly dropping by a third... Then something extraordinary occurred; I saved French from the jaws of a serpent of epic proportions and his mind's contortions We had a little walk and looked over the wall, Saw the layout of the quarry and the fire and wood and gib and all i thought was... Sun was coming up, it was time to skedaddle, not to paddle in the river Got a shiver from my liver, the equivalent of opposite of standing still; This was because we'd arrived at the mill! I had a climb and I let out a squeal, Then I stumbled on some drumsticks and I played on the wheel. We made a lovely rhythm, then it started to rain - I bid the wheel adieu and knew that we would meet again... Sitting astride looking up at the trees, Mouths are wide open and hands on our knees Branches are crossing; our minds are still racing, Sat awhile longer 'cos our feet were aching Talking about the most ludicrous patterns- Woodman was convinced he'd even seen Saturn Looking like ink in a water decanter. This observation brought frivolous banter. Then we headed off and we passed the tree of shoes and a fella walking his dog looking quite bemused. What would you say if you saw a bunch of reprobates? The time is only half past eight. "Good morning how are you?" The odds are pretty slim but that's what he said, and those who were wearing tipped the cap on their head. We replied the affirmative, "A Happy New Year!". The fellow looked quite jovial; the dog didn't care. If you'd seen the things we'd seen , you would turn on heels and scream. Was it all a crazy dream? New Year's Eve in Jesmond Dene. One great night with Desmond Jene. Drank some beer with Desmond Jene. Smoked some green with Desmond Jene. Who the fuck is Desmond Jene?
4.

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released April 9, 2015

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O.P.E.N. Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK

O.P.E.N. 's music will warp your fragile little mind. Rhythmic dexterity second to none... Described as "Intense and engaging" You will move erratically and enthusiastically, and probably laugh quite a lot.

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